Tag Archives: depression

An Incoherent Mind

By D. R. DiFrancesco

Being pulled from side-to-side,

My mind,

A menagerie of disjointed thought.

Attempts at composure,

An act of self-deprecation,

Leading me further into disarray.

What do I do?

Emotions have no focus,

Every path a winding dead end.

Holding me back,

Racked between chaos and cognition,

Drowning in confusion.

I urge myself to take a breath,

Empty my tortured mind,

If only for a night.

Hoping for thoughts to regain composure,

I know this too shall pass,

It always does.

In the meantime,

Wallowing in this mire, that is my mind,

I will wait.

Torment Under the Big Top

By D. R. DiFrancesco

The circus arrived many years ago,

Staking claim to hallowed ground that was not their own,

Jugglers, acrobats, circus clowns fragmenting your mind,

Side shows of a freakish nature.

Your thoughts being tossed,

Like so many rainbow colored balls,

Blurred and spinning round and round,

Distorting the line between what’s real and what’s fantasy.

Unsure of who you are,

Whirling dervish’s do cartwheels upsetting your equilibrium,

Stumbling and falling you struggle to regain composure,

Putting on a show for the horde.

You paint on your happy face,

Trying to shut out the worry with jokes, laughter and slight of hand,

Insecurity and despondency boo at you from the  crowd,

While secretly you crave the drugs that keep you sane.

Yet the show must go on,

Since life doesn’t stand still for you,

Under your big top of antidepressants,

You cope as best you can.

Each day brings a new performance,

Crowds of onlookers hoping for a fall,

But you won’t give them the satisfaction,

Instead you maintain your balance on the tightrope that is your existence.

Drowning

Sadness,

Cast like a net over me,

Threatening to pull me under.

Staring out the window as if hypnotized,

Cars pass,

Wind blows through the trees,

Pedestrians carry on with their day,

The sun is shining,

Still I see nothing and feel everything.

This unexplainable innervation,

Shows up like an unexpected visitor,

Uninvited and unwanted,

Unshakable.

Bombarding me with questions and doubts,

Hiding my head in the sand,

Trying to bury the incessant noise,

Unsuccessful, I succumb to the torment,

Tired,

I find little consolation in it’s ephemeral nature,

Its no less painful,

Seems no less eternal,

Leaves me no less hopeless.

With painted smile,

I wander aimlessly through the day,

An observer of my surroundings,

Unable to participate,

Handicapped by sorrow,

Handcuffed to my emotions.

Viscerally I know this will pass,

This realization is all that sustains me,

A lifeline tossed to a drowning man,

Grabbing hold with all my strength,

Waiting to be dragged to shore,

Into the waiting arms of sanity.

Buddy Can You Spare A Dime

By D. R. DiFrancesco

The alarm rings,

Pastie mouthed, joints aching,

Swinging my legs off the bed,

Damn arthritis,

The cold is killing me.

I rub my eyes to wipe away the blur,

Standing in line to use the bathroom,

It wasn’t always this way.

Looking over my shoulder,

Bedroll, pair of pants and a shirt,

All I have left to my name,

Insignificant to most,

Something to fight for.

A hot meal,

Maybe the last for the day,

An assembly line of the wretched,

Like dogs fighting over scraps of meat,

Degrading and demoralizing.

Back to the street,

Bedroll under my arm,

Wearing everything I own.

More stares,

People pass by,

Eye contact would make me human,

I was an accountant for God’s sake,

I had a wife,

Left when times got tough,

I have kids,

They think Daddy’s gone away.

No surprise work is hard to come by,

One set of cloths,

Infrequent showers,

Unshaven,

Politicians want us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps,

What bootstraps,

I wouldn’t hire me?

Panhandling,

For money, food, drink, and the occasional odd job,

Pennies, rocks, and insults are thrown my way,

I’m not a bum,

I’m you, one hospital bill away,

One hospital bill and you are me.

Maybe I’ll get a hot meal tonight,

Shelter,

A warm bed,

Maybe I won’t,

Look in the mirror,

Who do you see?

The Looking Glass

A window,

Like any other window,

Panes separate reality from fiction,

Anonymity, my closest friend.

 

The sidewalk,

Crowded with actors in this play,

Passers by looking up,

I’m part of the backdrop,

Important to the scenery,

Insignificant to the story,

But at least I’m still on stage.

 

I watch and listen,

Taking in the hustle and bustle outside,

So cliche’ yet so relevant,

The horns, the taxis,

Rushing to get to God knows where,

All to make another dollar.

 

People scramble,

Suits and ties, bohemians and homeless,

Sharing the same life on the streets,

Avoiding eye contact,

Avoiding making it personal

Too afraid of feeling empathy for those around them.

 

The children,

Double-dutch and hopscotch,

Brings back memories of simpler times,

Things weren’t so complicated back then,

Fire hydrants to beat the summer heat,

Careless and carefree were the names of the game.

 

My hands to glass,

Breath fogging my lens to the world,

Wishing I could be part of the show,

Instead of just a prop,

Destined to remain alone,

A fish in this fishbowl I call home.

 

A window,

Like any other window,

Panes separate reality from fiction,

Anonymity, my closest friend.

Disturbed?

White noise

Distorting my senses

Images like flashbacks fill my mind

Thoughts, past, present and future

Blur the lines between fantasy and reality

Sanity or insanity

Who is to say which is which

Its difficult to tell anymore

Dreams materialize in painful rushes of sound and color

Awake…No rest, can’t sleep

Unfolding into vivid nightmares

They seem so real

Glimpses of my innermost fears

Each breath becomes more labored

Struggling to claw back to consciousness

I can feel the blood pulsing through my veins

Rapid, it battles to sustain me

The pounding in my head clouds my vision

Strong burnt coffee the medicine

Nerves steady…Fog recedes

Jarred back to life  by the caffine

Another day of subsistence

Endeavoring to crawl out of the darkness

Alone and lonely.